Freestyle Week # 6
Pain has the potential to make us angry, fearful, and infantile. That’s our choice. It’s not chance. It’s not a lack of opportunity. It is not my belief that trials and troubles are disguised blessings. I know just that they are. They need to be dealt with just because they are fact. That’s where the choice comes in. I’ve changed from method to method testing the best way to deal with trials and troubles, the best for me being the most satisfying for the long term and the one that involves as little discomfort as possible. Three that I’ve decided absolutely do not work are the ways of anger, woe and nothing.
The angry, resentful way asks “Why does this ALWAYS happen to me? Why can I NEVER get a break? Why is everyone out to get me?” That’s just filled with self pity and self destruction. It brings ulcers and belly problems and cold hearts. I should know. I tried it. For a long time in my youth, I was angry. Longer than I care to remember. Have the surgery scars on my belly to prove it.
I also tried the woeful way. The way that says things like “No, no don’t mind me. I’ll just sit over here and play martyr. No, I’m fine really. Just go have fun and I’ll wait for you curled in this little ball of self pity until you get back.” I didn’t do that for very long I couldn’t even stand the sight of my own self. I lived with men that were like that too, though, again, not for very long.
Another way is the way of the nothing. Risk nothing, do nothing, feel nothing. Hide behind walls and never venture beyond the safe. Life becomes nothing but the wait. Even the “what next” question becomes irrelevant. “Who cares what’s next? I’m barely getting through this.” This has little appeal for me even on the short term. My curiosity is too strong to tolerate this choice for more than a minute or two.
I’m not saying that I don’t go through the anger and the pain and the hurt. I do and often but not for any real duration. I’m not going to waste a whole lot of time in things or emotions that don’t serve me well. I know that life’s going to be difficult. I expect that people are going to let me down and accept it without reservation because I’m letting others down as well. It’s what we do. I do get to choose the degree however. I choose my battles carefully. I learn what works and discard what doesn’t. I remember that it’s nothing personal. The universe is erratic and chaotic and not to be understood. I don’t expect that life will be much different. The way I see it, may as well dance as not.
The angry, resentful way asks “Why does this ALWAYS happen to me? Why can I NEVER get a break? Why is everyone out to get me?” That’s just filled with self pity and self destruction. It brings ulcers and belly problems and cold hearts. I should know. I tried it. For a long time in my youth, I was angry. Longer than I care to remember. Have the surgery scars on my belly to prove it.
I also tried the woeful way. The way that says things like “No, no don’t mind me. I’ll just sit over here and play martyr. No, I’m fine really. Just go have fun and I’ll wait for you curled in this little ball of self pity until you get back.” I didn’t do that for very long I couldn’t even stand the sight of my own self. I lived with men that were like that too, though, again, not for very long.
Another way is the way of the nothing. Risk nothing, do nothing, feel nothing. Hide behind walls and never venture beyond the safe. Life becomes nothing but the wait. Even the “what next” question becomes irrelevant. “Who cares what’s next? I’m barely getting through this.” This has little appeal for me even on the short term. My curiosity is too strong to tolerate this choice for more than a minute or two.
I’m not saying that I don’t go through the anger and the pain and the hurt. I do and often but not for any real duration. I’m not going to waste a whole lot of time in things or emotions that don’t serve me well. I know that life’s going to be difficult. I expect that people are going to let me down and accept it without reservation because I’m letting others down as well. It’s what we do. I do get to choose the degree however. I choose my battles carefully. I learn what works and discard what doesn’t. I remember that it’s nothing personal. The universe is erratic and chaotic and not to be understood. I don’t expect that life will be much different. The way I see it, may as well dance as not.
posted by millay at 9:51 AM
2 Comments:
As a personal credo or testimony, yes. But as an essay which only works if it can cajole the reader into somehow collaborating with the writer, no. We're battered with firm assertions but never have a breatherto consider evidence, stories....
Perhaps the five-graf format inhibits you from really getting into your own materail?
Maybe. I've retitled "Freestyle #6" and will work on the cause essay over break. Maybe by the time I figure it out, I'll have examples of all of the other assignments. Maybe I'll even have the ISearch.
:)
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